Rescue Remedy

Bibje-Painted Poem 2014

I wandered of last week. Not doing the things I wanted to do, not even going anywhere I wanted to go. Just being sick and down and not happy altogether. But worst of all, not do anything but eat and drink and sleep as remedy.
Does any of you recognise this, my dear readers?
Making plans is not the hardest thing to do. I have lots of plans, al georgeous and beautiful plans. Exciting plans, which make me thrill to the bones. Wanting to jump start, head over heals. And so I do. I start, full force, give it all my energy and time.
But then disaster strikes in. I wake up one morning feeling drearily, have a headacke or nausea or worse, an astma attack. Try to go where I left of....but that doesn't work so I take  break. And another.....and another....... and another....... Waiting for that one day I will wake up, feeling bright and happy and not overly tired or sick!
In the end  I let them go.
And start making new plans.

Bibje- Painted Poem 2014

It is an endless cycle with me.
Is it fear for succes that makes me act the way I do?
Or fear to be commited to something which needs a lot of work?
I get confused, not knowing where to begin. And when I do, I run out of energy so fast it makes me sick. Something needs to change here. And I do not know what.
So I sat down one night writing about it. It is the easiest way to unravel my thoughts and feelings. And not get confused by them.
For I do get confused, thinking about one thing while doing another. Most of the time I do nothing and even then I am not present. I wander around in my head as well. Sitting here on the couch in the livingroom, dreaming a life full of art and geste, but at the same time being a bit pissed that I sit and do nothing. And telling myself to stop dreaming and start doing.  Instead of dreaming my heart out(=visualising) I am punisching myself for even thinking those thoughts about a future life. I even think about all the things I have to do, and my heart sinks into my boots. I don't have time to do all that and still be dreaming about a future life. When am I ever gonna reach that goal when I will not even reach the goal of a spotless clean home????
gosh

Bibje- Girls 2014

Here are conflict interest at work.
The home wants its place in my live as well as the arts.
I am in need of a plan, a real plan, one I can do. One that does not crumble into pieces when I do. And one that keeps standing even though I might not for a while.
I need commitment.
And I need selflove. A lot of selflove!!!
I need to love myself even when things go wrong, when I wander of or when I do'nt feel like sticking to the plan just yet. I need to be kinder to me. Nourish myself a lot more when I am tired and sick or when I feel depressed and out of breath. I need to let go of the guilt I feel when that happens. I need to stop comparing myself to the healthy part of humanity. And I need to stop appologizing for being chronically ill and hypersensitive. Stop trying to cope in a world that does not want to slow down. I need to be gentle to me. Soft, loving, caring, nourishing gentle.
Go slow and gently.
Or not at all at times. But then not to worry about it, or be mad about it. Let those days be my time to heal, to comfort myself.  I might  make a plan for those days. As my own sort of Rescue remedy! I might do that.....