Rebirthing an old painting

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I have these paintings I made a long time ago. They're put away in my studio, preferably somewhere I can't see them. They are the failures, the not-so-goods, the not-wanted ones. The sad ones, the left overs, the you could-be-better ones.
Mostly I let them lie for a while afore I go and finish them. As in, paining them to an end I mean. Not actually finish them of. Even though there are times I would want to, mind you. I would smack them with paint, scratch it's surface, slap en throw them and let them know how angry I am. But instead I rage and stamp on the floor and throw the painting in a corner.
You wouldn't say so, looking at all the friendly, lovely, soft, sweet colours I use.
Well, that's because I want to feel like that! I want to feel soft, sweet, lovely, friendly, happy and all that is good and bright and calm. So I paint it. As if I am all that already.

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You see I am ill, chronicly ill. Have been for a long time. And as yet, things are a bit rough. So this painting with all his bright orange and pinks irritated me. HUGE
I don't feel like that at all and I don't want to see it either.
So I took white and smeared it all over, to scratch it away again with a palette knife ;)
Then I took purple, dark, you know. But that was so afwfull I ended up mixing it with white also. And now, half way through I have this soft, sweet, happy, nice, lovely coloured painting.
I can't help it.
I keep ending up with these colours.
No matter how dark my mood, how sad I feel, I stil paint with these colours.
It must be some sort of inner longing for all that is beautifull.
A longing for love.
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New designs on RedBubble

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I want the dawn to feel like the greatest promise,the aurora as the kiss of God,My day as a scented garden in the sun,twilight like a warm blanket,and my night as a heartwarming plot.
I want  my job to feel as the greatest reward,my inspiration as wings on the wind,my creativity as a perpetual sourcethe colors on my canvas as a brilliant rainbow,and the caressing images I create as comfort and encouragement to many.
I want my being is as sweet as a butterfly,my heart as warm as rays of the the sun on a summer's day,my eyes pools of unconditional love,I want my arms to bring joy, comfort and protection,and my voice a caress of the soul,my laugh  like singing bowls in the windand in my lap the hope of new.
I want love to be like the blossom on the trees,tender, delicate, sweet, soft, ageless and immortal,as a celestial dance music.
I want hope to feel like anything is possible,and  my dreams may go to infinity,my heart to reach to the sky, full of love for all that isI wish I may feel and share peace forever and ever
I want to feel my freedom like I am flying in the clouds, walking on water,endlessly float in the air .......
That;s how I want my life to be.


*´¨)Inspired by: 
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(¸.•´ ★ Danielle Laporte- the Burning Question *¨*•.¸¸.. ★ 

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Proud contributor of the Phoenix Soul

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And then I had my first publication overseas.
Have been dreaming about it. I had my hopes set on it, ever since I joined Sprout-community. I felt such a sence of belonging. This was like coming home in every way. So I made myself a promise, to be one of the contributors this year. It was my New Years resolution.
I started to react on Amanda's questions on facebook. Her reactions were so sweet. And she quoted me in Sprout/the Phoenix Soul. Was I ever so proud!!!!

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Writing on a blog is very rewarding when you have readers, if not it is a lonely quest.
I started writing on my blog Zeeuws Bibje in 2008, 9 months after my dad died and in the middle of crisis. I wrote about frugal living with a bit of self-mockery and humor.
I wrote about frugal living because I had a rough financial time and needed to put things in perspective and to keep my head up ;) So I wrote about my kids and my budget and how I went frugal to pay my debts.
While doing that I stumbled on grieve and hurt.
It was always part of my blogs. How I found my way out of it, how I struggeld, how I crawled my way up again. How I painted and wrote as a prayer to healing. How I turned inwards.  All that has been written down on Zeeuws Bibje.
I used to write in English and Dutch cause I had overseas readers. Later on I became slacky and did not translate anymore( instead I installed the translate button which is horrible at translating though ;)
But now I stand here.
And I have my readers in the Phoenix Soul. Yeeeeeej so happy so excited.

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Just so you know
this is my artblog ....
think I will stumble upon vulnarability over here as well.
I know I will, I already did.

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Some Soulsearching

Yvonne de Jong Sunset 26 may 2015 our Lighthouse-the Lange Jaap

So I was talking with my therapist during a session about my life and the future. When she askes me this question; "What is stopping you?"
All kinds of emotions bubbled up, all sorts of thoughts swirled through my head.
"I stand on the threshold and I do not want to walk alone through that door."
"Who do you want to come with you?" she asked me.
And the I had to cry!
Because I want my dad to come with me, But my dad is dead, He can't come with me in this new life..
BENG
It hit me rock bottom
What did he mean to me, and what of him do I carry in my heart?
"Because, he is not gone,"she said,"he is in your heart."
"What was it your father gave you, that you miss so much right now?"
Well I can be short, I miss a sence of security, safety, feeling safe. I could not tell her because of alle the emotions that overwhelmed me then and there. But that is what is is, I don't feel safe anymore.
We felt so lost, my mom and I, when he went to heaven.
He was our tower of strength, the tree under which we could hide. The arms who held us save and warm, the tranquility that was wrapped around us. He was the glue of the family.
All fell apart when he moved to heaven.

Jeffrey Bakker Sunset 26 may 2015-our watertower in the distance

Grief is a strange thing,
it is vulnerable, raw, sensitive, and in the background is always present.
Sometimes I think I am done. Almost impatiently I long for that moment, that I no longer bursts into tears only at the thought of him. Of her, of them. Then  I'm completely happy. Until it suddenly  changes and reallise  I miss them so very very much ..... fog is my vision.

Mark Zijp Sunset 26 may 2015

Very different was the sunset tonight,
I found some pictures on facebook. All local photographers. Beautiful skies are they not?
You just forget everything looking at skies like these,
you disappear in the red rose of the ending day.
It is weird but I'm already in my new life, and I did not even notice it.
It started the day he left, and renewed the day she went after him.
I stepped over the threshold of my new life a while ago, and stood still.  I just have to walk in the soft smelling flowery meadow now.
You are safe Bibje
You're safe!
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(¸.•´ ★ *¨*•.¸¸.. ★Did I tell you my studio is finally coming trough?*¨*•.¸¸.. ★*¨*•.¸¸.. ★
I am so happy to tell you I have my place with a balcony! Can you imagine? It feels so good!!!!
I made a little drawing last year to focus on getting my own studio. It looks a little different but stilll it is my space. Think of all the beauty I will create there. So gratefull so gratefull soooo gratefull.

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(¸.•´ ★ *¨*•.¸¸.. ★And there is another did I tel you.*¨*•.¸¸.. ★*¨*•.¸¸.. ★I am asked to write for The Phoenix Soul,   Yeeeeeeejjjjjj
It's a dream come true, I wished it as a New Years resolution, I am so happy, have been cheering all week. It's the best birthdaygift ever....though my birthday is next week :)
*´¨) sooo see you in the Phoenix Soul?
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(¸.•´ ★ *¨*•.¸¸.. ★ baaai baai